I Need Encouragement

At the funeral the other day, one of my...uncles? First cousins once removed? Something like that. Anyway, he was talking about Aunt Boe (and, by default, Uncle Posie, since they functioned as a unit--in a good way) and how she and Uncle Posie always, always, encouraged ALL of us kids. Every single one of us, through three generations, felt special (three of the uncles got up and each claimed to be Aunt Boe's favorite, and I thought I was her favorite, and I'm pretty sure my cousin thought she was her favorite, too). She and Uncle Posie had that magical quality of making everyone feel elevated--favorited, even--and encouraged. Even when I was small, they would ask about school and tell me how proud they were of me and how awesome I was...and it wasn't until that moment, the moment that Clayton stood there and said all this (he was talking about himself, but we ALL got that from them), that I realized how sorely I've missed that kind of encouragement, love, and devotion. Yes, I get it from Caleb (my husband. I got tired of referring to him as the husband). Yes, I occasionally get it from my parents, but mostly people just don't talk about school around me because by now they all know how much I hate it at the moment.

Maybe it was just easier to believe the encouragement when I was a kid--I had much higher self esteem then. Now, I feel like I don't--can't--give 100% to anything because I'm so split between work, school, house, family, friends, etc. So I constantly beat myself up mentally about how I could have done that better or I could have spent more time on this. And I feel fat, but that's another post altogether.

It's weird how two of the major things that I used to base my self-esteem on have fallen so far. I wonder if that's why it has taken such a big hit? I no longer make straight A's (in fact, I'll be lucky to finish my master's with a 3.0 overall), and I'm not skinny anymore (and as a result I no longer even feel like myself, nor do I feel pretty). I don't like looking cute in outfits anymore, because none of them fit right, and the cute stuff I used to wear no longer looks good on me. Plus I can't spend money on clothes. I wonder if it all, deep down, boils down to a money issue? A weight issue? Or whether I'm just using so much willpower on work and school and keeping the house not disgusting that I have none left for my body or dressing to look cute or making sure I have straight A's?

I guess, if nothing else, I'll find out in December when I just have work to worry about. I think I will focus on my body and my wardrobe (not buying stuff, just putting it together better and taking more time to look cute) first, then on making my house look like me. I want to paint (burnt orange in the bathroom), build a banquette for the elliptical table in the dining room, get the furniture arranged just right, put pictures up, unpack the office...you get the picture. I just have to find a way to do that frugally. Hello Salvation Army/thrift stores in hoity neighborhoods! I'm getting excited about it already. I will post PLENTY of before and after pictures. For now, here are the "before" pictures of the house (before we moved in--it's not that clean or spacious looking now, that's for sure!)

This is the guest bath that I want to paint burnt orange. What do you think? Caleb is worried that it will be too dark and guests would get annoyed with the darkness while putting on makeup...but over the sink (which would be in the far right of the picture but is cut off) there is a light fixture with THREE 60 watt bulbs. We only have two in there now, and it's plenty bright).

This is the dining room. Right now we have a small round table in there, a huge white beautiful Ikea elliptical table (it's the Gidea, if you must know), a chifferobe (which is currently being used as extra kitchen storage because we don't have enough cabinets for all our gadgets), two chairs, and three barstools. I want to build a banquette on the right hand wall in the picture with (hidden, modern) storage drawers in the bottom/sides of it. That way the dining room would be opened up and we'd have more room for the chifferobe and for people to mingle. Not to mention the extra storage (Eventually the small round table and 2 chairs will go back to their owner, which means there's even more need to build the banquette--that's five people able to sit which they can't do after the chairs go away, and we cannot afford chairs right now. I need to do some serious thrift store shopping for chairs, because they are RIDICULOUSLY expensive! Anyone have three stylish chairs they want to get rid of that fit the color scheme or can be recovered?) Other than that, I'm not sure if I want to paint in here or not...I really like the greenish-yellowish-happy color that is in there. Below is a drawing of what it would look like with the banquette in there:

This is a picture of the living room. Currently there is an apple-green, retro, super cool sofa coming out from the wall between the door and the windows with its back to us. I like that arrangement; it helps define the "entry" as such and divides the room from the entry and kitchen without restricting sight lines or conversations. For the "color scheme" in the living/dining rooms and kitchen, I'm thinking of the wall color, apple green, orange (not neon) dark brown, and a tiny bit of white (a la the table, throw pillows, etc).

This is the master bedroom. Our headboard is centered on the left wall in front of the window (Sound weird? I agreed, but we had it on the wall directly in front of us in the picture at first, and it just didn't work. Surprisingly, it looks decent in front of the window). The furniture in there is sparse, with a nightstand on the left side of the bed (but not right next to it), a tiny table on the right side, a white floor lamp from Ikea in the corner we see here, a short dresser across from the bed, and a tall chest of drawers (or if you're from the South, a "chester drawers.") on the non-window wall we are looking at, centered. Sounds like a lot...maybe it isn't sparse? We don't have a rug or anything in here; I like it without one. We have a painting on the wall above the short dresser, and our duvet is apple green with white print. I can't decide if this room is DONE or not. I think in order to decide, I should take a picture of it when it is clean and then determine what, if anything, is missing.

This is the master bath. I want to paint it but I'm not sure what color yet (green? yellow? white?). I haven't been struck by inspiration for it yet; I have a shower curtain that I love that is (guess what?) apple green with white and off white flower outlines on it (looks more abstract than flowery; I'm not really a flower kinda girl). We also have six black 1 ft cubes in there, eventually they will be floor to ceiling but we might paint them dark brown first. Ooh, I just had a thought! We could put shelves on the wall that would be to our right in the picture, similar to the ones I had in the office in Athens! Like an idiot I never took a picture of those, but I have the design sketched out somewhere. Also, that light-colored panel on the end of the cabinet is horrid. We have to find a dark colored one, or paint it, or something. It drives me nuts.

As for the office and the guest bedroom, they will have to wait--the office has all our unpacked boxes still in it, and the guest bedroom looks ok, but has all the stuff we want to sell at a garage sale in it. Caleb gets to be in charge of the decorating scheme for the office; I think he wants to paint it a grayish blue color. I think that sounds lovely.

I can't wait to be the decorating queen among my friends again. Everyone used to come into the house in Athens and go, "Ooh! I love the kitchen!" (or the office, or my bedroom or whatever). My bedroom was freaking awesome. I painted it deep purple and had sort of a moroccan theme, and it actually worked. (My mom was horrified at the purple before we got any furniture in there and said, "You HAVE to paint it a lighter color when we sell the house!" but then after I got everything in there, she loved it). Plus I could sleep late because the room wasn't bright, a very unexpected and welcome benefit. Hmm. Maybe in light of that, I should paint the master bedroom chocolate brown?

What are your favorite past decorating ideas? Or ideas that you want to incorporate into your future abode? Please share!

Musings

Since I've become aware of the fact that one has to spend less than one makes, I've been making (small) strides to improve my spending habits. I'm doing well in some ways and really crappily in others:

Doing Well:
-I have $1500 in a high-interest savings account with HSBC.
-I generally spend less than I make in a month, with the only exceptions being when I pay for car insurance and/or tuition, which I try to save for in other months.
-I have not purchased any clothing items since last August, with the exception of that one $12 pair of leggings that would transform a sundress into fall/winter wearable (remember, I live in Georgia and "winter" is more like fall elsewhere).
-I pay $50 extra on my car payment every month and am attempting to snowball my credit card debt. (And none of my credit card debt is above 11% interest--one is 0%, one is 9%, and one is 11%).


Doing Crappily:
-I only have $1500 in my HSBC account, and car insurance and tuition are coming up this summer. I have an extra grand in my secondary checking account and can use that, but really don't want to. (But it beats using savings!)
-My credit card debt has increased in the last year because I keep putting tuition on them. My work reimburses half, but the other half is still on there. We also put all the appliances that we needed when we bought the house on credit cards.
-I still WANT to shop for clothing and house stuff just as badly as I used to, even though intellectually I know that I don't NEED any more "stuff." I just really enjoy the act of shopping, and the way new things look in my house. I am going to have to find a more sustainable way to enjoy shopping in the future when I have a little extra money--maybe thrift stores combined with a "one in, one out" policy? How do you prevent clutter from building up?

On a non-financial note, I have 1 week and three days left in this semester, and I'm not hyperventilating. I'm a little stressed, but I think I can get everything done that I need to in the time that I have. And I only have 1 final (in one of my classes, we have a project instead).

Then I get a week off before the summer semester starts, and I will only be taking one class this summer--Timber and Masonry, both of which I've had a little of before and both of which I enjoy, especially from an aesthetic point of view. I must say, if I ever get to be really picky and CHOOSE what projects I work on, I'd choose residential coastal engineering.

Since husband and I want to live on the coast someday, I've been thinking a lot about how I'd build a house were I to ever be able to afford building my own beach house. I've come to the conclusion that I'd likely design it with straight up reinforced concrete, but instead of using steel (because it corrodes so easily if any water gets in), I'd use FRP or carbon fiber reinforcement. Slightly more brittle, sure, but it would NEVER corrode, which is a huge problem with reinforced/prestressed concrete structures in coastal environments.

Sometimes I can't wait for the rest of my life (READ: GETTING OUT OF SCHOOL FOR GOOD AND HAVING TIME TO CARE ABOUT WHAT MY HOUSE LOOKS LIKE AND WHAT I EAT). But I only have EIGHT MONTHS LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EIGHT MONTHS.

EIGHT.

(8--a ONE DIGIT number)


MONTHS.

Till I can have a LIFE again. I am so excited.

Autocross!

I lessened my tire pressures somewhat from previous runs (41 psi front, 45 psi rear) and really liked the way they responded. I may need to increase the front a little though, and do 45 psi all around--i got a bit of scuffing on the sidewalls, but I think it was because of my half-spinout. Grin.

My first run, from a time perspective, was awful. 82 seconds-ish. BUT, it was smooth and I stayed on course.

Second run, much better, but half-spinout caused time to be 75 seconds.

Third and fourth run, got down to 69 seconds, which was pretty good for me. I was only a few seconds behind the really good people (still way behind the PRO classes, but that's ok).

Most importantly, I relieved a lot of stress, had a TON of fun, and cleaned out my adrenal system. Haha. Here are pics:










One poor guy didn't torque his lugnuts enough and lost a wheel and most of his studs...it was bad. But he had a good sense of humor about it at least.

Hearing and its Discontents

Sometimes I wonder if I hear things the way everyone else does, even with my hearing aids. Once, I made someone wear one of my hearing aids and asked if it sounded different than normal hearing, and of course the answer was yes. Granted, this is probably because I hear worst at high frequencies and thus the aids turn up the sounds on those more than low ones, hence to a normal hearing person, they would sound pretty atrocious. I have enough “real” hearing to be able to listen to my radio in my car at a medium high volume (sans hearing aids) and actually hear it. And headphones (for which I remove the aids) sound basically the same as music from a radio with the hearing aids in. But I still wonder if I process the sound in the same way, if it sounds different to hearing people, and if I'm missing some wonderful sounds, or if other people are missing wonderful sounds--maybe the things that sound like pure heaven to me are just sounds to others...I will never know. The only time it really irritates me is when I am not wearing my hearing aids and desperately want to hear what someone is saying (swimming and immediately upon waking or showering).

There are, however, numerous advantages.

Anytime I don't want to hear something, I simply press a button and the hearing aids "go dark" while also acting as earplugs. This is very beneficial when it comes to sirens, squealing brakes, unruly children, etc. It also greatly reduces the urge to smack said children, which is good considering they aren't mine and I’m usually in public and don’t even know the kids.

When I press the button once, it goes to "telephone" mode, during which I can talk on a (land) line without having to remove them. I don't usually use it for phone conversations (I can hear well on phones and usually just take one out); HOWEVER, I recently discovered that with them on this setting, they pick up various electromagnetic (I'm assuming it's EM, anyway) noise, and I can hear motors and equipment--even if they are fairly far away. It's neat. Random thought: I wonder if, because of their electrical nature, they'd be wiped out in the event of large EM radiation or nuclear radiation? Maybe I should avoid the power plants....

I sleep REALLY WELL. I don't hear the bus going by every ten minutes or the loud cars or the rumblings of my elephant-like cats. I love sleep, so this is also a very good thing, unless I'm home alone and afraid of robbers (which, of course, is even worse now with the second break-in). Then I'm faced with the choice of leaving them in and sleeping like crap or taking them out and not hearing the potential thieves breaking in. I choose sleep and potential thieves most of the time, though I keep various weaponry and my handy alarm key fob with panic button basically under me while I sleep if the hubby isn’t there. Just in case.

My ears are never cold. In fact, I didn't realize how cold one's ears could get until I (for whatever unknown reason) was outside in the winter without the aids. I hightailed it back inside and put them in and was warmed. Whew.

Nothing is ever too loud. Most new digital hearing aids have compression built in, which is a fancy term for not transmitting loud noises beyond a certain loudness (i.e. they don't just magnify noise linearly. Yes I'm a dork). At first, this was bad, because the "loudness tolerance" for this particular brand was set extremely low, and anytime there was anything even resembling noise I would hear them actually masking it. It drove me nuts. So we adjusted some stuff and now they're great! *Note: this feature comes in extreme handy at concerts--my mom and sister's ears rang for three days after the last one and mine didn't at all.

The drawbacks, though...they are plentiful as well. 22 years with them has produced some doozies.

Somehow I always run out of batteries when on a trip somewhere when I'm not driving. This means I have to ask our hostess or whoever is driving to hightail it to a drugstore or Wal Mart ASAP, politely. But desperately. Because otherwise I WON'T BE ABLE TO HEAR ANYTHING.

Once, I flushed BOTH of them down the toilet accidentally. Don't ask. I dropped one into the (clean, empty) toilet once, too, prompting my mother to disallow them from the bathroom forevermore. Probably a smart policy given my...well...let’s just euphemistically say, “tendency toward blonde moments.”

Another time, I forgot them at home when going to school and my mom had to bring them to me. I was in kindergarten and had been wearing them for two years at that point. I'm still not sure how one manages to leave the house without being able to hear...

At a friend's house after a sleepover in fourth grade, we were playing with water guns. You guessed it, friend scored a direct hit to the ear and it wouldn't work anymore! I freaked, my mom arrived later to pick me up and instructed me to hold it in front of the A/C vent for a while and it was good as new. I think I thought that my friend did it on purpose (even though most of my friends didn't even know I had hearing aids, and if they did, probably wouldn’t have realized that water + hearing aids = very bad. And that was the very first time I had spent any time at that person’s house…she probably forgot they were even there). Apparently I was a little conspiracy theorist or something.

Still another time, my mom's cat decided that earwax was her absolute most favorite thing in the entire world, and I woke up and found that one of my “ears” was missing. It took my parents and me an hour of frantic we’re-gonna-be-late-for-school! searching to find it (on the floor, in the back of the closet)...and when I picked it up I realized it had been licked clean. GROSS. To this day I cannot leave them out at my parents' house or the cat will take them.

So there. Everything you never wanted to ask your friends who have hearing aids, in one (rather lengthy) post!

Me

I am part city girl engineer, part small-town redneck. I eat deer meat. I can fix my own car. I'm also a little lacking in common sense sometimes (read: ditzy) even though I am (supposedly) smart. I am idealistic and somewhat liberal, but I strongly believe in the right to bear arms. I am not fat nor thin, though I have been both at points in my life. This is my space to vent. Topics will be completely random. Enjoy.